The 31st Small talk is definitely high up on my list of the worst things ever. I stood waiting to use the ATM and had to listen to painfully drawn out niceties of chit chat between the girl and the older gentleman ahead of me while they beeped their way through their transactions. I wasn't in any way involved in the sad attempt at conversation and it was still painful. I even caught myself visibly wincing after the heavy pauses between the "oh yas" and "yups". I think souls were leaving their bodies. The fact that I'm terrible at striking up conversation even in the best of situations makes going through the banal and awkward back and forth of small talk all that much more uncomfortable. Most of the time I honestly don't even realize what I'm saying and just fall into this sputtering auto-pilot mode. And the plane is definitely on fire and scraping its belly on the runway at the end of the greater part of these near-conversations. It's funny that I should just happen to read a line in Chip Kidd's book, The Cheese Monkeys, that so perfectly describes all of this: "Small talk is small in every way except when you try to get around it. Then it's enormous." The 30th I'm back to disliking The Source again. I bought two audio adapters to get a mono headphone signal because the guy there said that was the only way it could be done. Turns out he was wrong. As helpful and friendly as he was, he was wrong. My friend Greg sent me a link to Radio Shack's site showing a lone adapter that did the trick and cost a quarter of the price. I went back today to return the other adapters and, while it wasn't really any hassle, I really don't ever want to shop there again. The salespeople can be nice but they can also be really salesperson-like. I'm tired of being asked if I want to buy batteries and head cleaners. I'm also tired of being asked for my mailing address and phone number. I don't want to get your stupid flyers and I don't want to be in your filthy database. Speaking of databases, don't the employees have access to some sort of system that can give them information about the products they sell? I think there's something called The Internet that allows a person to search for terms such as "mono", "audio", "adapter" and the like. But, hey, I could be wrong. These people should be able to take a simple problem like the one I gave them and provide me with the right part if it exists. And it does exist. In fact, they had three in stock when I called and gave them the part number. I'm actually upset at myself in a way because I was too lazy to look up the part on my own. I'm sure glad my complaints pay off in here from time to time and friends feel the need to help me out. The 25th My cat is stupid. He bawls to be fed or to get attention and when I don't comply with His Royal Highness' wishes he proceeds to quietly disappear for a little bit and formulate a plan to get my attention. He will upset something, start clawing something, get into something he's not supposed to be in—you get the idea. But by doing this he only makes me mad or frustrated so he doesn't get good attention from it. I just end up locking him in the bathroom and then he gets neither attention nor food in there. Mostly he'll just be forced to sit there for a while (sometimes with a wet face from the squirt bottle) and bawl on the other side of the bathroom door. Maybe secretly, when I'm not around, he rubs his ass on my pillow or licks silverware sitting in dish rack to get back at me. The 24th I don't really care for the new CBC Radio hourly news theme, if that's even what you call it. It has no balls. The last one got your attention and ended with two strikes of importance and weight. A nice mix of traditional instrumentation and more modern sounds. Change it back, CBC. So it turns out someone at The Source was actually quite helpful instead of being a useless turd. The guy used to work at a non-chain electronics store before so I think this is why he actually knows stuff. He said the audio adapter I wanted wouldn't do the trick of putting both stereo signals into one combined mono signal. He was right. So he put a couple of adapters together to get the result I wanted. It's makeshift but it did the trick and he even tested it-store on a stereo system. That guy had a touch of customer satisfaction class. The 23rd I went to spend a couple of days this weekend at my grandparents' place and just got back this afternoon. My grandfather helped me figure out (sort of) some issues with tire pressure in my car and also decided to take a look at the oil level. It's full, I knew it was full because I filled it the other day. Apparently though, I forgot to put the cap back on and oil splattered out all over the engine. I guess that explains the go-cart smell and yet another stupid thing I've done to teach myself a lesson. I don't get much of a chance to visit them these days or stay very long when I do but I always like being up there. It's slow and quiet and sometimes way too hot because of the forced air heating but that's fine. I just watch TV, read, eat and play cards with them. I get away from my computer and this town and just have some relaxing time on their couch. I eat way too much though when I'm there. For a snack last night I had: -a cheese slice sandwich made with store-bought white bread -a small bowl of cheesies -an ice cream sandwich -a homemade, plain cake doughnut that I decided to dip into white sugar -some kind of coconut, peanut butter cookie ball type of thing -3 homemade chocolate chip cookies The list of goodies from the night before was only slightly shorter and only mildly different. This is, of course, not long before I went to bed too so it's always nice to have all of that resting in my gut while I snooze away. I came back in town so I could vote. I voted Liberal because I was afraid that Stephen Harper would become prime minister. I shouldn't have to vote out of fear, choosing the lesser of two evils, but that's the only thing I could bring myself to do. I would like to vote NDP or maybe even for the Greens but I just couldn't imagine having this country run by a right-wing conservative who's going to attack civil rights and compromise MediCare (among other things). Well…guess what. Way to go Canada. You just fucking elected the Canuck equivalent of Bush. God Bless the Unites States of North America. The 20th Is my car supposed to smell like a go-cart all the time? Is that normal for a Sentra? I went out to eat tonight at The Heritage, then I picked up my mail and ate a bunch of squares at my parents' place, then I went Tammy's for Mike's birthday party and ate some meatballs and cake with that really sugary icing. I was not feeling too well after the overly generous helping of squares so I definitely wasn't feeling good after the cake. I feel like I'm going to puke. The 19th Richard was staying here over the holidays and we shot a skit with him and the Hugo puppet. The skit isn't finished but here's a photo Nathan took of him in character. Being deaf in one ear sucks for listening to music and I don't like listening to The Ventures and having the drums all on the right-hand side. I've been looking for a way to get around this and here is another classic example of people at tech stores not knowing anything about anything. I've gone to FutureShop and to RadioShack in the past and asked employees there if they had any kind of connector or adapter that would change a stereo headphone signal to a mono signal. They either pointed to something that wasn't remotely usable, got a glazed look in their eyes, or went on some bullshit salesperson tangent. I've even had friends and others tell me they didn't think something like that existed but they weren't sure. It's one thing for a buddy to not know, it's another thing for a RadioShack employee to just come up with some sort of nonsense off the top of their head. Especially when they have a fucking DATABASE they can look at on their store computer. I've looked online in the past but was never sure of what I was looking at to be honest. But I don't work at RadioShack, do I? I was reading MacAddict magazine and, in the Ask Us section, someone posed the very same question. In the reply they provided a RadioShack product code for a Stereo-to-Mono Audio Adapter. I certainly hope this is the adapter that does the trick or they're full of shit too. If this a new product then my apologies to the douchebags at FutureShop and RadioShack. But I fucking swear that if I go to RadioShack (or The Source...whatever) and a salesperson tells me that they have never heard of anything like that or that they can't get this adapter, I'm going to hit the guy across the face with a large, crappy Genexxa product and ask them if they want batteries with that. The 17th Can someone explain to me the "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy? I did a search but couldn't find anything useful telling me the reasons behind when it started, who started it and the why. I can understand how it might be a hygiene or safety issue regarding shoes but why no shirt? Is it a decency issue? I just don't understand why some guy can't walk shirtless into a drug store to buy some rubbing alcohol. I can see why they would have that policy in place at a restaurant but does it really matter in a gas station or laundromat? Some dude might be on his way to the beach and wants to pick up some iced tea and pepperoni along with his gas, and gets denied at the counter and is asked to leave. Granted, lots of people really SHOULD be wearing shirts at all times. Some people should also be forced to ditch their tank tops for a regular T. I can't see them instituting a policy that says "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service…oh and fat, hairy dudes in tank tops can't get service either, sorry". Speaking of policies and posted signs, what the fuck is up with smokers completely disregarding signs that say "No Smoking Within 15 Feet of Building Entrance"? I saw one woman today standing NEXT to the sign and hauling away on her cancer sticks. In fact, I saw her do it on two separate occasions. The sign is next to her fucking head and if she couldn't manage to see that one for some reason there's another one on the wall directly across from her. I wanted to walk up to her and just point to the sign and say, "Hey…fuck off with that already." But I honestly didn't want to stand in the entryway any longer than I had to because I had already been breathing in her second-hand smoke as I walked up the sidewalk. It's so disrespectful of others' health and I have absolutely NO sympathy for people being forced to smoke outside. Like I've said before, if I went around with syringes injecting minute amounts of cyanide into people for hours on end I would be put away quicker than you can say "lung cancer". Yet, people are allowed to exhale clouds containing noxious and carcenogenic chemicals into the public's breathing space. Even outdoor smoking isn't much good because I can smell a smoker downwind from a block away. Factor in a group of smokers exhaling their airborne poisons, huddled together in a mall's entryway, and you can see why I hold my breath whenever I head into the building. The government should have clinics set up to get people off of nicotine just like they have for heroin addicts. That won't happen though because they make far too much money taxing the hell out of the product. Taxing smokes won't make people stop smoking. Maybe some people will because they seriously can't afford it but m0st people will find a way to give up something or go into the poorhouse if need be to get a pack. The 15th January is already half over. I can't believe time goes by so quickly because it feels like it was just barely Xmas. And it certainly doesn't FEEL like January because it's been mild for three days straight and all of the snow was gone until a little while ago. Now everything is frosty and icy again even though it felt like April all weekend. Neil and Dave came over today and we spent about 6 or 7 hours shooting the last scenes of Neil's movie. I guess I'm done slapping him around and threatening him with a gun. If anyone had looked into te basement when we were shooting over the last few weeks they would think we were fucked. A guy tied to chair in a dimly lit basement, all bruised up in the face, getting a gun shoved into his mouth and given injections while another guy videotapes it. I'd love to hear that call to the police. The 14th I feel sick and I have a headache. Laine had Nathan, Sharon and myself over tonight for a her post-birthday party. Crackers, cheeses, pepporoni, shrimp, and ice cream cake all mingled in no particular order in my stomach very quickly. And that's just the stuff that was there already. Sharon brought Skor bar squares which are just deadly and good. I brought a bunch of Belgian cookies and chocolates plus two homemade loaves of banana chocolate chip bread that I made earlier. I've been feeling ill and guilty all night. Way too many sweets and I was doing pretty good the last week or so with cutting back on sweets too. She has a 16-year old kitty and an 8-year old goldfish. I had no idea that goldfish could live so long. We played Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit until we got sick of it, then we played Cranium and then we came back here to watch SNL. Lots of sitting, lots of eating, and lots of me getting sick and fat. The 13th Friday the 13th and I didn't even realize it until the day was done. Nothing to report on the bad luck front today other than The Heritage didn't have coconut cream pie when I tried to order it. But that's not really anything unusual since they NEVER have it which is too bad because it's some of the best in town. They did, however, have this awesome chicken pasta dish with a spicy sweet alfredo sauce. I could eat another gigantic plate of that stuff right now. Ryan Recommends™. The 12th For a long time there's something I've known about and wanted to do, and lately I've been thinking I need to do different things even if they are pointless. The Eptek Centre shows a lunchtime film every Thursday so I figured why not check it out. Even though I didn't get to sleep until 5am, I miraculously dragged my ass out of bed on time and headed downtown. This week the "film" was Touring England which turned out to be basically a British tourism video from what looked to be somewhere around 1980. I had a free cup of coffee so it wasn't so bad but after a half hour or so I really didn't care about the rolling countryside or castles anymore. The film lost its steam after we all went on a brief video tour of London. I think I was the only person there under the age of 50 and I don't think I'll be attending next week when they show the exciting sequel, Touring Scotland. Even though it was kind of lame I did enjoy myself a bit. There was quite a bit of footage of sheep and border collies. Maybe after the tourism videos are exhausted they might start showing something truly interesting though. The 11th Colds suck but at least mine's starting to go away. Speaking of cold going away, today was super mild so after trivia I decided that a walk with some Marc Ribot & The Prosthetic Cubans on the ol' iPod would be suitable and most welcome. Even though it was mild and foggy, the drizzle that coated me was quite cold so it was a short walk. My grandfather called today to tell me that the tumour they removed from him was indeed cancerous. Not good news at all but apparently the doctors think they got it all. I really hope they did (that goes without saying) but he has to go back for them to make sure. Fingers crossed. The 10th Happy birthday, Dad. Happy birthday, Ian. Happy birthday, other people born on January 10th. Especially you, Rasputin, happy 137th! The 8th I remember when I was a little kid, probably around 4 or 5, I was forced to wear this wool knit jacket with a hood and a zipper up the front. I HATED it with every fibre of my 2–3 foot tall being. To this day I can't wear wool clothing but it wasn't the wool that I hated so much, it was the zipper. With the hood up and the zipper pulled up to my neck, the ends of the zipper would dig into my neck and chin, chafing my soft, vulnerable toddler flesh and making me bawl in discomfort. The jacket was so restricting and I felt so helpless because I couldn't do anything to make the zipper stop bothering me. I couldn't take off the damn thing, my parents insisted I keep it on. I distinctly remember going for a walk around the neighbourhood with them and, I think, my brother in a stroller. That zipper drove me insane and I wanted to (and probably did) put up a huge fit. It was one of those defining moments in my childhood when I learned to detest something to such a point that I'll never wear a wool sweater or jacket EVER again. In a related woolen garment story, I once went to the neighbour's house next door around that same time in ANOTHER woolen sweater-type thing. Their pug, Sparky, jumped up for some strange reason, chomped onto the middle of my sweater and dangled from my chest by his teeth. How he detached himself and what happened next I can't remember. The 5th It's been a while since I've eaten Campbell's Chunky Soup. It's been a VERY long time since I've eaten Campbell's Beef Burger Chunky Soup but I did just recently and it got me thinking. That shit is pretty gross. The "beef patties" (or whatever you want to call them) in the soup are probably not much different than the meat-y canned food that I feed my cat. Smells different, looks different but the consistency seems pretty close and I'm sure the ingredients aren't that far off either. This is coming from a guy who, as a child, would beg my mother to buy Fraser Farms meatballs in gravy in the can. THAT shit is gross. I believe I once opened a can without her noticing and ate the whole thing cold because I'm half-retarded or something. Those formed blobs of beef-flavoured, rendered mystery meat are what high class puppy chow is made of, and that's being generous. I wonder what sort of foreign bodies or particles, or lumps of foul food science are sitting in my colon from the Beef Burger soup or even meatballs I ate some 23 years ago. Probably the "kill you by age 45" kind. The 2nd The New Year is here and Xmas, with all of its foolishness, is long over by now. I bid you all a prosperous year ahead and hope your holidays were merry and filled with sugar and delights and gravy and chocolate. Apparently, from something I read from some random message board somewhere on the Internet, Nostradamus has made some LOVELY predictions for this year. I'm no prophecy scholar or even a very good reader for that matter but it would seem 2006 has got some pretty crappy stuff in store for us. Let's see…sounds like chaos and fear early on in the year, a massive computer meltdown perhaps, something about lost in the darkness, a potential meteor crashing into the ocean, and some sort of feverish sickness. Happy 2006, everyone!